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lucky-clover-gazette · 1 month ago

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Arceus Forbid Women Do Anything

Chapter 1/3 | 2,254 words | Rated T

Commandment I: Gaslight

The challenger met the Champion’s intelligent gaze and quickly looked away. They knew what they needed to tell her, they knew that it was important, but in the awe of the moment they couldn’t help but ask— “So you’ve met Lord Volo?” She seemed unsurprised by the question. The challenger supposed that it must have been asked many times before. “I am his Champion, yes.”

Read the full chapter on AO3 or under the cut:

The challenger approached the Champion of Hisui atop Mount Coronet. The Spear Pillar Temple was strangely decrepit for a holy place, where it was said that the Lord of Hisui himself convened with his most beloved mortal creation.

The title of Champion was highly sought by the wielders of Hisui, who longed to impress their almighty deity. Some even spoke of immortality as a reward, to say nothing of the material gifts and fate’s favor. But for as long as the current Champion had held the position—which was to say, the entire recorded history of the region—she had never once been bested in battle.

But that, the challenger knew, would change today.

The Champion stood at the very edge of the temple ruins, staring out at the sky as if frozen in a perpetual state of deep thought. The challenger immediately recognized the colors and styling of her attire as those of the Lord in his most traditional depictions. Fine white silks were artfully draped around her form, and she was adorned from head to toe with emeralds and gold. Her hair flowed in the breeze, only slightly flattened by the ornate diadem on her head.

“Do you wish to challenge the Champion of Hisui?” she asked, causing the challenger to sharply inhale. The woman did not face them, and clearly did not plan to do so without a formal conversation.

“I wish to speak with the Champion of Hisui,” the challenger said, forcing their voice to steady. “There is something that she—you—ought to know.”

The Champion turned around at that, revealing the face of a woman who most certainly did not age naturally. In fact, she appeared to be not much older than the challenger—but of course, appearances could be deceiving.

“I will admit,” said the woman with a slight smile, “that is a new one.”

The challenger blinked. They had not expected such a casual composure from the Champion of Hisui—although, their expectations had admittedly been imprecise. There were plenty of rumors regarding the Champion’s personality throughout the region, and much speculation regarding her team of pokémon, but there had never once been a challenger who had returned with the memory of what they’d experienced. It was common knowledge that when it came to Spear Pillar, the only way to leave with a tale to tell would be to best this woman in battle. Otherwise challengers could expect to return bewildered, collected at the foot of the mountain by rangers patrolling the area.

“Very well,” said the Champion, gracefully rearranging her silks as she sat on the small stairway leading to her former perch. It seemed bizarre for her to lower herself in front of her challenger, until she motioned for them to the do the same.

“Evening the battlefield,” she explained with slight humor as they took their place beside her.

“So you’ve met Lord Volo?”

She seemed unsurprised by the question. The challenger supposed that it must have been asked many times before.

“I am his Champion, yes.”

A chill ran down the challenger’s spine. His.

“Is he watching us now?”

She tilted her head slightly, and the challenger regretted the tactlessness of their words.

“This is the holiest place known to humankind and pokémon alike,” the Champion said. “I should hope that the Lord is watching.”

The challenger had been warned of this. They took a deep breath.

“I know the history of this world,” they said, “and I know that we are meant to believe it.”

“History?”

“That this world of peace was created from the ashes of another; an irredeemable and infernal world, which had fallen as a result of its own wickedness.”

The Champion nodded. “That is the truth.”

“But I don’t think it is,” said the challenger, nerves increasing with every word. “You have to listen to me, please. I have heard the voice of the old world’s creator, and it has told me the truth.”

“You… what?” The Champion appeared genuinely surprised by this. Distressed, even.

“The old creator was subjugated by the Lord,” the challenger explained frantically, needing to get the words out before said Lord lowered himself from the heavens to intervene. They would face Volo, of course, on behalf of this region’s true deity—but not before freeing the innocent Champion from her Lord’s deceptions.

“A single mortal—the Hero of Hisui, blessed by the original creator—once served as the protector of its divinity. The man you call Lord Volo weakened them, defeated them in battle, and ultimately seized the god’s power by force. He used it to erase that entire world and imprison the true creator’s physical manifestation, taking its place and wielding its abilities himself.”

The Champion did not appear convinced. “But what of the Hero? Was she erased?”

“According to my god,” said the challenger, “they fell.”

“How interesting.”

“But that doesn’t matter now,” the challenger insisted, reaching for the woman’s finely-adorned wrists. “What matters is that you get out of here. He’s going to come down and I’m going to fight him, and it’s going to be dangerous for anyone without godly powers behind them. You don’t deserve to get hurt, when all you’ve done is loyally serve a Lord who does not deserve your fealty. So please believe me, and abandon this temple while you still can.”

It only took one look at the Champion’s face to know that the challenger had failed. Her expression was now stern as she rose to her feet.

“I will not tolerate such blasphemy,” she said, reaching within her silks for a strange-looking pokéball. The challenger narrowed their eyes at the thing—was it wooden?

“I’m telling the truth,” the challenger said, removing their own pokéball from their belt. “Arceus told me in my dreams!”

Something shifted in the woman’s expression at the sound of the true deity’s name. “Arceus does not exist,” she said, releasing her opening pokémon: a samurott.

The challenger decided to engage in the battle, if only to continue the conversation and potentially delay Lord Volo’s arrival. They released their opening pokémon and watched, in horror, as the Champion’s samurott defeated it with a single move.

The challenger took another deep breath and released their next pokémon, whose perfect type match would almost certainly return the favor.

“And even if it were true,” the Champion said, “even if my Lord did not simply create this world from ashes, but set the fire himself… do you not believe that a peaceful world is worth creating?” She replaced her fainted samurott with a typhlosion as if it were an afterthought.

“Not if it took the erasure of an entire world, just because it wasn’t perfect!” the challenger argued, their second pokémon falling just like the last.

“The Lord appreciates the world as it is,” said the Champion, motioning to the decrepit temple surrounding them. “If he were determined to destroy every imperfection, would we still have ancient ruins?”

The challenger sent out their next pokémon. “I don’t care about ancient ruins.”

The Champion shook her head condescendingly as she collected her fainted typhlosion and released a decidueye. “Well, Lord Volo would certainly be displeased to hear that.”

“I’m not here to impress Lord Volo, I’m here to fight him!” Another one of the challenger’s pokémon, done. That was half of their team.

“I’m afraid you will have to defeat his Champion first.”

They took out her decidueye. In response, she sent out a pokémon that the challenger did not recognize—a small black figure made of thick lines, almost resembling the written character L.

“You might as well take that now,” said the Champion, as a smirk tugged at the corner of her lips. How could she not see that the entire world was at stake here? If Lord Volo continued to spread his lies, if Arceus could not be returned to its former power, then—then, it would be bad!

“This isn’t a game,” the challenger spat, taking a turn to heal their nearly-fallen fourth pokémon. This was their fastest one by far, and the unfamiliar pokémon seemed to be the Champion’s weakest, so hopefully—

The challenger’s fourth pokémon fainted.

This was not part of the plan.

“Arceus told me to get you out of here,” the challenger told the Champion. “Those were its explicit instructions.”

“Ah,” said the Champion, “so you weren’t prepared for a fight with me. Just with my Lord.”

She watched him with amusement. She understood, then, that even if they managed to beat her team, they would be entering a battle with an actual deity with a single conscious pokémon.

“Unfair, isn’t it?” she taunted, and the challenger could not believe they’d mistaken her as kind.

Who was this woman, anyway? The Lord’s Champion from the dawn of this world’s existence, almost certainly immortal and incredibly skilled as a pokémon wielder…

Their mind still racing, the challenger only half-paid attention as they took out the Champion’s unknown pokémon. In its place, she sent out a togekiss.

A togekiss.

It made no sense. The challenger’s jaw dropped. “But only Lord Volo has—”

“I wield her on weekends,” the Champion said, as the world’s most sacred creature destroyed the challenger’s fifth pokémon.

There was something in her eyes now that the challenger hadn’t noticed before. It frightened them. Arceus had not warned them about this, it had only insisted that they get her out of way—

“Wait,” said the challenger, hesitating to send out their final pokémon. “She.”

The Champion raised an eyebrow, resting a hand on her hip. “She?”

“When you referred to Arceus’s fallen Hero, you called them a ‘she.’”

The Champion crossed her arms over her chest, confusion turning to delight. “I did,” she confirmed with a patronizing smile.

The challenger froze.

“I did not appreciate it,” the Champion told them, “when you called me weak.”

The challenger narrowed their eyes. “So he did defeat you.”

She did not scowl, or even wince. She almost appeared proud. “Send out your final pokémon,” she told the challenger, “and I will show you defeat.”

Togekiss chirped happily and spun in the air. The challenger prayed to Arceus as they released their final fighter: the first pokémon they had ever wielded, entrusted to them more than a decade ago.

Togekiss defeated it with a flick of a wing.

The Champion tutted pityingly as she walked closer, recalling Togekiss and reaching for her final pokéball. “Now, don’t be too hard on yourself,” she said as a pokémon emerged at her feet.

The challenger narrowed their eyes, unsure what to make of the strange misshapen figure. “But you’ve already won the battle—”

The Champion sighed, beleaguered, as the challenger became transfixed by her spiritomb’s magic. “But seemingly, still not the war.” The challenger could barely hear her final words before losing focus completely:

“Send Arceus my regards. I look forward to meeting its next challenger.”

And then everything faded to white.

─────────────────

The Lord Volo’s realm was abundant in daylight. Unless, of course, he wished for it to be nighttime—then the only light came from the brilliance of the stars, arranged into elaborate images of his choosing.

He rested his cheek on his palm, smiling adoringly as his Champion approached his throne.

“Tough day at the office?” he teased, using the modern terminology she had taught him by the light of countless campfires.

She did not kneel, nor did he expect such behavior from his beloved Champion. Instead, she dropped herself right into his lap.

“We should really put a bench down there or something,” she said, playing with the hair of a god as if it were a child’s toy. “The steps are rather uncomfortable.”

“Very well,” Volo smirked, and then snapped. “Done.”

He did not actually need to snap, to create a bench atop Mount Coronet. But Volo had always been one for dramatics.

“Show-off,” said the Champion as she kissed Volo’s lips. The slight change of angle allowed him a cheeky squeeze of her clothed flesh, a brush of long fingers along her waist, and of course one mustn’t forget the chest—

“Don’t you want to know how it went?” the Champion asked, doing absolutely nothing to stop Volo’s exploration.

He smiled and hummed into the skin of her neck, feeling the coolness of her jewelry against his cheek. “Let me guess,” he said between kisses and nips, “you won the battle?”

“Always,” the Champion said, gripping Volo’s hair and pulling him closer. “Well, almost always.”

He recognized the slight self-deprecation in her voice and bit more harshly. Her noise of combined pain and pleasure was a hymn to his ears.

Volo pulled back slightly to meet his Champion’s eyes, brushing a few stray strands of hair behind her ear. “Well then, my fallen Hero…” He adjusted the pendant around her neck, the first gift of many from her Lord, so it rested exactly where he wished it to be. “Why don’t you show me how you live in defeat?”

She picked up his suggestive tone and returned it tenfold. “Anything for my Lord,” said the Champion of Hisui, reaching for a particular point of interest beneath Volo’s deific attire.

“You endure with such grace,” Volo praised, running a gentle hand through her hair. The Champion sighed softly and relaxed against her true Lord, far from the outsider Arceus had attempted to make her.

And indeed, it was good.

#this is SOOOOOOO. sooo. so.#first of all if you've read my work for other fandoms especially four swords you'll know that this is SOOOOOOOO on brand #also i say this in the author's note on ao3 but lucy saxon from doctor who was a huge influence here and i love her #i hope people like this au/story because it's ridiculous and i'm having fun :) and there is nothing wrong with me :)#my writing #volo #volo pokemon #volo x reader #pla

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